So not going to apologize...

This post may really tick some people off.  Frankly, I don't care.  

As much as people around me may think they know me, they probably don't.  I do not air my dirty laundry, or even clean laundry, around for everyone to see.  I'm open with those that I trust, but I am very selective in what I share.  Nevertheless...here it goes.

If one more person tries to classify me into a pigeon-hole of stereotypes, I think I may maul their face.  Just because someone doesn't tell you what is going on does not give you the right to fill in the blanks with your own imagination.  Just because you can't or won't do what I do DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT CAN'T BE DONE.  

This is my last summer of doctoral coursework.  LAST SUMMER.  As long as my portfolio defense goes smoothly, I can begin dissertation writing next summer.  And guess what.

I am still a full-time teacher with good, solid, positive evaluations.

I have still contributed to my school on various committees and events.

I am still adjuncting at our local CTC.

I am still married to the same man.

I still have three happy kids that are involved in church, friends, soccer, and Girl Scouts.

My home is still clean and inviting.

I still go to church.

So to everyone said that I wouldn't even make it this far, please choke on the words that you used to try to tear me down.  When you tell me I can't, I become more determined that I can.  I guess that's just the country girl in me.

Good friends and a knock upside the head

After my last post, I was still feeling like maybe I should drop out of the program. I mean, if people think I'm getting a "fake" doctorate, then why in the world am I doing it?

Then, I got a text from one of my dearest friends who DID NOT KNOW what had happened at school:

"...you have worked hard to be on the right path, stay there...you should feel special because you are, and I wouldn't do that for just anyone..."

In a world of chaos, sometimes it only takes one person to keep you on track. So, nope, not quitting!

Thoughts..

I've really been struggling with my decision to be a doc student lately.

Especially since a conversation I had last week.  I was approached by a colleague (site and name will not be revealed), that, in short story format, wondered if I was working towards a "fake" doctorate since it wasn't a Ph.D.  I calmly attempted to explain the types of programs my university offers, including the different types of doctoral degrees:  my university offers Ph.D.s, M.D.s, Psy.D.s, and Ed.D.s.  Each form of these doctoral degrees have purpose within their own fields, each are terminal degrees.

So, I'm thinking--I'm I really busting my butt, going without sleep, giving up on fun things like ice cream and TV ;) for a degree people will see as "fake?"  Or not good enough?  Cause, really, I don't need something else on my plate telling me I'm not good enough.  People do that, to my many different hats, often enough already.

Guilty Ambition

This school year has been agonizing.  My son and my daughter have suffered terribly.  Both have experienced extreme stress and emotional issues at school.  I have asked myself so many times if I am to blame for their issues?  If only I was home more and more attentive rather than in class or working on schoolwork, I would have prevented all the pain they have experienced.  It really is difficult to feel so guilty about your children and think you should have done a better job at protecting them.  I logical understand that sometimes, kids have rough times and even if I was home 24/7 I might not have been able to prevent the problems.  That information is small consolation when my children are having such a tough time.  I think sometimes about quitting school until the kids are completely through school but then I know I will not finish.  Would it help anyway?  Who knows?  I know I don't.

Sometimes...I just want to give up...

Being a mom is tough.  Really tough.  Your heart is no longer your own--it belongs to you little ones running around.  Everything I do, I have them at the forefront of my mind.

BUT...
I am also a wife, a teacher, a student, a woman.  There are needs there too, and I think, more often than not, I don't fulfill those needs to where I feel satisfied.  I get down on myself, wondering if I am making the right choice--working and going after my doctorate.  Do I forsake my husband in this venture?  Do I forsake myself?

These questions are really, never truly, answered.  But they remain, bouncing around in my head, especially during the nights I can't sleep.

Fire and Exhaustion

Last night the vacant house next to us caught fire. Luckily, my husband, a firefighter, was outside and was able to radio the fire into the station quickly. As a result, the only damage to our house has been some smoke, but that will hopefully dissipate quickly. However, this is making me play the "what if" game. What if my husband was giving our daughter a bath like I had asked him to? What if we had gone to church? What if he wasn't home and I didn't notice the fire? I'm not a very observant person, would the house had burned until it caught my house on fire? What if we had been asleep or playing in the basement? My stomach is literally churning as I type these questions that have been replaying in my mind since last night.

The kids and I had to evacuate and we stayed with my parents. We are safe and that is the most important thing....but now I start to question myself. What if we weren't ok? Have I wasted my children's lives by teaching and going to school? Mainly, is it worth it? I'm sure if I asked different people I would get many different answers...

A little bit of everything....

Been awhile since my last post, mainly cause life gets a bit crazy...

So many blogs, tweets, FB posts, news articles, YouTube videos, etc. about the shooting in Newtown, CT, and odd enough, for the first time in a long time, teachers are thought to be everyday heroes, rather than money-hungry lazy bums who are only in it for the summers off. However, I stop to think, "it took a tragedy for people to realize just how much teachers care for their students?"

Am I really involved in all the most under-appreciated occupations out there? Teacher, student, and mom? How can that be changed? Will it ever be changed? What would our culture look like if we honored teachers, lovers of learning, and mothers? How would I be different? Would my self-esteem change?

More questions than answers....