My "place"

"Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich"

Heard that one-liner recently?  Seen it on a t-shirt?  Raising my hand to both over here...and I don't like it.  It gives the impression that women are sub-par and 'deserve' to be in the kitchen.  If it was all a joke, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so offended, but it's NOT just a joke--too many people think it, believe it, and act on it.

I still feel that I am judged by how I look, how my children look and act, and the appearance of my house--rather than my educational contributions, or my intellect, or my leadership ability.  This bothers me.  Why would someone look at me and tell me that they would not choose me for a such-and-such leadership position simply because I am a woman?

Even in classes...it's there.  Men, and even sometimes women, will ask the question or make the statement about where my children are, or who is watching them, or who feeds them dinner...I can't recall the last time someone asked my husband that.

Men and women are different--I get it.  But I am tired of feeling continually pushed into the 'kitchen'...

Where are all the girls?

I had an exciting class today.  I am grad assisting my doc. chair and today was the presentations for the students' research.  All were wonderful and creative, but one really got me thinking.  Her paper was on the curriculum and why there is no real emphasis on women.  Specifically, she looked at the new common core standards and found only a few mentions of women.  Those particular sections were on things like, how did the Civil War affect women?  There was little emphasis on how women contribute.  She mentioned in her presentation that the curriculum should reflect the makeup of the population.  Where is our half of the curriculum?  The other disturbing part of her presentation was the survey of teachers reflected that a substantial amount of them didn't feel it was important to include women in the curriculum.  Holy crap!  The CCSS do  mention multiculturalism but doesn't specifically address gender studies.  I think this is a glaring example of how much work we still have to do.  With every class being made up of 50% girls, we really need to teach relevant and meaningful curricula that speaks to women and their contributions.  I think this is an insidious way to tell girls that they really don't contribute.  It also tells the boys the same thing.  That only things done and created by males are worthy of study and mention.  Geez!

Thoughts driving home

When we first discussed this blog, talked about how women are perceived if they try to do it all (kids, job, school), I was prepared to be indignant.  I had the perfect first story of how a fellow female teacher told me that I couldn't do all that I was doing and do it well so I must be neglecting something and it was probably my kids.  But driving home from class Wednesday night, I called home to see who had done their homework and discovered that all of the kids (16, 14, 11, and 7) were playing a boardgame with their father and I could hear laughing and carrying on in the background.  My husband said, "we're fine, see you whenever you get here."  Then he hung up.  I thought of all the evenings that I  miss games and spending time with my kids.  I also thought of how much work I had to do when I got home as midterms are due and I had to grade papers.  I really thought my coworker might be right.  Am I half-assing the job of parenting my kids?  Am I sacrificing their childhoods for my own self centered desire to have that doctorate?  I had to shake the feeling off as I came in the door and put on a smiley face that I didn't really feel.  I do wonder how much of this guilt is just being a mom?  Is this a product of Appalachian expectations?  Is this a result of my own fears?  I really don't know the answers to these questions today.

I guess it's my turn ...

I'm "elizzybeth," the professor in this band.  It's a ridiculous name, I know.  But by the time I got to gmail, it was the closest I could get to my actual name.  I like that I've landed with that name now, though, because I like to think that it subverts the student/professor hierarchy.

Hierarchy.  That's another thing that's interesting about Appalachia.  I prefer to be called by my first name, but that's a difficult thing for most of my students.  Of course, we're in an ed school, and teachers are in the habit of using each other's titles and surnames, but I have had the same experience with students who were not education majors or teachers.  I think it's got something to do with the power of tradition and habits of deference that are still so strong here.  And I have to wonder if those same things--tradition and deference, that is--aren't also related to why Rikki and Candice and so many of the other incredibly strong, smart, competent, and passionate women in my classes find their professional aspirations criticized and their parenting choices condemned ...

Stupid E-cards...

Everyone sees the 'e-cards' that are shared across social media, right?  You know, the ones with the Victorian-age looking people and the sarcastic comments written across them?  Well, while scrolling through my Facebook this week, someone had shared the e-card that had something to this effect: "Yeah, honey, I know it's hard cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry, but I also have this side-gig called a job."  The person who had shared it took offense to it, as she is a stay-at-home mom (and rightfully so, it wasn't very polite), but her response was something to the effect of "I've done both.  When you are at work you aren't disciplining, modeling, and shaping young minds.  I KNOW which one is easier" and someone within a thread on this topic replies that she "totally agrees, it's hard to make sacrifices to be a SAHM, but that [she] understands that her kids are worth it" and add in the statement "I would like to go back to school, but my kids are too important."

First, this is NOT a slam at SAHMs.  I will NOT argue who has it "harder."  SAHMs have a huge job and responsibility, but I take REAL offense that because I am a working mom who also goes to school that  I must not care about my kids enough or think that they are not important or that I place my kids on the back-burner in selfish ambition.

Why must everyone assume that someone can't be a good mom, a good student, and a good worker?  Why must one thing HAVE to suffer?  I really don't see it that way.  I can be dedicated to my family, my job, and my schoolwork and give it all my best--NOTHING has to go to crap!  So, why must people feel that they need to make me feel that it does?  I just don't get it.  Why can't we support each other?  There are plenty of children who DO have crappy home lives, so why do we feel that we need to put another mom down in order to make ourselves feel better?  Seriously?

 

Here we go...

Crazy title, right?  "Good student...bad mother..." Are you thinking, "huh?"

Thought you might, so here is post #1, explaining what we are doing here.  My name is Rikki, I live in Appalachia, have three children, work full-time as a teacher for students with special needs, adjunct at our local community and technical college...and...I'm a doctoral student.

No, M.D. won't follow my name, but Ed.D., a doctor of education.  I enjoy being a student--I like the intellectual debates surrounding pressing issues of our educational systems, discussing different philosophies and theories about learning, and talking with others about best practices.  But, being a doc student doesn't really mesh well with our Appalachian culture.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not surrounded by men in the the Ed.D. program, women are very well represented, but women with young children (namely, 7 yrs, 5 yrs, and 2 yrs)?  Not so much.  On a fairly routine basis, I am called out, either overtly or covertly about how I must not be a good mother if I am devoting so much time to the doc program.  Those experiences bring me to this blog...

One characteristic of educational research is to take a problem and go at it.  After being approached by a fellow classmate and a professor (who should introduce themselves somewhat soon), we decided that being a mom and a doc student in Appalachia would pose for a really interesting qualitative research project.  The question then came, how would we record information?  Well, in this technological age, blogging seemed like a good solution.

So here we go, embarking on this recorded journey of being a mom and a doc student (BTW, I have erased probably 50 characters of my son's typing and my daughter has been put back to bed about 5 times in the course of this first blog).  This blog should be candid and straightforward, and we aren't quite sure what is going to develop from it.  But, you are more than welcome to ride along with us!  Feel free to comment and ask questions!